Sometimes it’s so easy…

Sometimes it’s so easy to let the negative thoughts take over. As someone who has been struggling with depression for years, I can tell you that it’s a daily battle. Mood swings are the worst. One minute you’re happy and then next you’re thinking about ending a relationship that’s going to well.

So yesterday, I saw my sweetheart. It was only for a few hours. We spent the time talking and holding hands and just being together. It’s the times like those that I miss the most when I don’t get to see him. We haven’t spoken to each other since yesterday and currently in my depressive state I have fifty thousand reasons as to why I should be mad at him. I’m recalling past issues and hurt to the surface and it’s difficult to stop myself. I am consciously aware of what I’m doing. However, its become such a norm that I do it without even thinking and it’s very difficult to stop. Why can’t I recall that happiness I felt yesterday when I was spending time with him? Why isn’t that more powerful than the past pain and hurt?

I don’t really have an answer for that. However, I’m proud of myself because I’m not taking it out on him. I’m choosing to work through it on my own. Writing definitely helps me to get all my feelings out. It’s therapeutic. I know that in a few hours I’ll look back and realize that it’s not that deep. But then the other part of me thinks that I always make excuses for him. I don’t feel very secure in our relationship and a lot of that has come from the instability on his end. Personally, I don’t feel like he intentionally does it, but he has and I don’t even feel like I can talk to him about it because I’m not sure he would understand. But I haven’t tried so I don’t even know. The thing about uncertainty is that it holds you back. It’s holding me back from opening up to him, from sharing myself with him. Sometimes I wonder if he knows or even cares —> definitely a product of uncertainty.

But there is one thing that I plan on talking to him about and that’s our communication. Yesterday, he made a joke saying that when he doesn’t text me back he believes that I know what he’s doing and that we have some kind of telepathic connection. He thought it was funny but I really didn’t. Thats why I think that he won’t understand. I’m hoping to introduce the concept of checking in to him. Hopefully that goes well, and if it doesn’t I’m sure he wouldn’t like a dose of his own medicine, although my dose is much stronger. Yes that’s very petty but that’s a last resort. For now I’ll try not to let the negative thoughts take over.

 

 

SettlementĀ 

       So it’s been a few days since I posted anything. I’ve been fighting a triple threat; the cold virus, the flu virus and an eye infection that mysteriously jumps from one eye to another. Safe to say that I’ve had a trying week. 

      Updates on the situation with my sweetheart. Things are pretty much back to normal. We talk everyday but I still haven’t seen him. Tomorrow will make it three weeks. I’d like to tell you that this isn’t normal or the usual but that’s not true. Sometimes I find myself saying, “I’m just over it at this point”. And partially I am. I’m  done being the one putting in all the effort to see him. My schedule is no longer free. I’ll be going out with my friends and making plans without him in my thoughts. I feel like I’ve been putting my social calendar on hold and that’s over. Don’t get me wrong, I still like him a lot but in the words of many teenagers around the world, “fuck that shit”. I’m not putting up with that. I refuse to settle and accept that as the norm. I wasn’t born attached to him and if he doesn’t want to see me then I’m sure there are many others who will. 

      There’s only a few months of summer and I’m out here to enjoy it as much as I can. That being said, I’ve realized something a few moments ago as I’m sitting on the train headed to work. Although Canadians have a reputation for being polite and nice, all Canadians aren’t nice. That’s a stereotype. It’s a rather pleasant stereotype but I would rather people not come here expecting everything to be the garden of Eden with welcoming hands and kind words. I just witnessed a woman practically steal a seat on the train away from this older man. Her demeanour and attitude was so forceful and repulsive, those who observed the minor incident were left shaking their heads. She was more than capable of standing, she wasn’t pregnant and she literally exited the train a few stops later. I was shaking my head thinking, all that for a 10 minute train ride? She must be having a horrible day. 

       But no, I’m not about to make excuses for her horrible behaviour. She was simply rude. I’m trying to figure out why I’m so outraged about this but I just am. That poor old man just wanted to sit and he’s currently still on the train while she has already hopped off. One thing I’ve learned from being in Canada is that kindess keeps the peace and all it takes is a select few to disrupt that balance. Some might view it as conformity to society’s expectations. Yes, it is. But this is one expectation which I have no problem with. 

    Now as to how I went from talking about my love life to social issues, I have no answer. It happened in the moment and I decided to talk about it. However, the lessons from this post are; don’t give too much to those who do not deserve it and be fucking polite. 

Dramatic much?


Dear Dairy, 

      So last night I was all upset, crying about how I lost my sweetheart, suffering from separation anxiety and what not. Well it turns out that I didn’t. I didn’t year from him all night because he just didn’t bother to message me back. Don’t you hate when guys do that? Seriously, I’m having a quarter life cross over here and you can’t even bother to reply to my text. 

      I bet you he was watching the stupid NBA finals game though (which I was also watching). Anyways, this morning I received a message from him saying, “hi good morning”. I was so elated I replied as soon as I saw it. I told him I thought that he was mad at me and immediately he called. 
        Meanwhile I was in the office break room having a conversation with a coworker and I was also about to start work and my voice was also fucked up so I sounded like a 50 year old man. Safe to say, we didn’t talk on the phone this morning. However, the fact that he bothered to even pick up the phone to call and reassure me that everything’s okay, was so sweet of him. I’m both annoyed and relieved that he refused to accept my proposal for us to stop seeing each other. It means he wants me doesn’t it? I guess so. But I’m annoyed because now I have to find a way to let go of guy number two. Last night I realized that I didn’t want to live without my sweetheart. I couldn’t even be without him for one night without breaking into tiny little pieces. I was a shadow of myself. I felt like my heart was ripped from my chest with my own hands. 

       If I can give any advice to someone, it would be to not push away the people you love, care about you or hold you close to their hearts. I tend to do this quite often and it’s painful every time. Somehow I end up reverting into old habits and seeking out that pain. Who knows? I might me a masochist. But for me it’s better to feel pain than to not feel anything at all. For a long time I’ve felt empty inside, a shell of my former self. Sometimes I look back to that young and hopeful teenager I once was. She had some issues, she had a lot of issues but she always hoped that it would get better. Unlike her, I’ve lost my hope. I no longer believe that things will work out in the end. I can’t picture myself with a lifetime partner. I only understand here and now. Everything else is unknown, open to a multitude of unending negative scenarios. 

        From the minute I become involved with someone, I already envision the ending, one which is unhappy. But back to the main point. I still have my sweetheart and I’m so happy. It feels good to be loved, cared for, wanted and everything in between. I don’t mind the pain because it reminds me that I’m still capable of love. If I can feel pain then I can fall in love, something which I never would’ve thought to be possible two years ago. I want him in myself because even if I don’t see him, he never forgets to make his presence in my life known. Yes I miss him physically but mentally and emotionally he’s there every day and I appreciate that effort. 
     That’s all for today folks. Continue reading to find out about Mr.2. I’m still trying to figure out a pseudonym for his name but when I do you all shall know. 

From the heart…or what’s left of it


       Have you ever thought about dating two people at once? Have you ever done it? Do you remember the thrill, the indecision, the excitement and the huge anvil looming over your head?  Well I do.

     The today I ended it with one of my partners. I didn’t expect it would be so difficult. The truth is that he’s the one who made me the happiest but in my mind it was easier to let him go citing one of his tiny mistakes. Boy was I wrong. I can’t remember the lady time I shed that many tears. But I couldn’t help but say to myself that I deserved it. How dare you string two men along all this time, knowing that eventually you would have to choose one. 

     Yes I knew this day would come but I didn’t expect to break my own heart in the process. I’m not sure when I started to fall for him. But slowly and surely he crept his way into my heart. As I’m writing this all I want to do is call him, tell him I’m sorry, that I didn’t mean any of it. But there’s a large part of me that knows that I’m no good for him. In my head he as always my sweetheart. There wasn’t a morning that I wouldn’t receive a text from him and whenever he called, it made my day. But even though we had so much chemistry and communication, it was a nightmare trying to see him. He works 6 days out of the week and on the third day he was busy running errands. Obviously I also work and have a busy life of my own. We’ve known each other since last year but I can only remember seeing him a handful of times. 

Whenever I was with him we were lost in our own world, only seeing each other. It all sounds fantastic doesn’t it? But imagine planning to see smell and having them cancel on you 90% of the time. It was always, “sorry I have to work late” or “sorry I lost track of time doing this or that”. As much as I loved him, there had to be a point where I said enough was enough. I don’t deal well with disappointment. As much as his communication was consistent, his ability to keep his word was the opposite. I was supposed to see him today. But yet again something came up.  He called and I already knew what he was going to say. He could sense that I was upset. I told him that we shouldn’t see each other anymore. I think he was expecting it as his response was, “Don’t say its over”. All it took were those few words to imitate the waterworks. I think at that moment I truly realized who and what I was giving up. Someone who has been a part of my life everyday for a long time. Someone who cares about me and isn’t afraid to show it. Someone who tried their best to make time for me. But like I said to him, we were fighting a losing battle.  Tonight we lost but after one door closes, another opens and I hope that my sweetheart one day finds  the one destined for him. 

       P.s. If you ever read this, it was real. 

As for the other guy I’m dating. Well you’ll just have to keep reading to find out about him.