Sometimes it’s so easy…

Sometimes it’s so easy to let the negative thoughts take over. As someone who has been struggling with depression for years, I can tell you that it’s a daily battle. Mood swings are the worst. One minute you’re happy and then next you’re thinking about ending a relationship that’s going to well.

So yesterday, I saw my sweetheart. It was only for a few hours. We spent the time talking and holding hands and just being together. It’s the times like those that I miss the most when I don’t get to see him. We haven’t spoken to each other since yesterday and currently in my depressive state I have fifty thousand reasons as to why I should be mad at him. I’m recalling past issues and hurt to the surface and it’s difficult to stop myself. I am consciously aware of what I’m doing. However, its become such a norm that I do it without even thinking and it’s very difficult to stop. Why can’t I recall that happiness I felt yesterday when I was spending time with him? Why isn’t that more powerful than the past pain and hurt?

I don’t really have an answer for that. However, I’m proud of myself because I’m not taking it out on him. I’m choosing to work through it on my own. Writing definitely helps me to get all my feelings out. It’s therapeutic. I know that in a few hours I’ll look back and realize that it’s not that deep. But then the other part of me thinks that I always make excuses for him. I don’t feel very secure in our relationship and a lot of that has come from the instability on his end. Personally, I don’t feel like he intentionally does it, but he has and I don’t even feel like I can talk to him about it because I’m not sure he would understand. But I haven’t tried so I don’t even know. The thing about uncertainty is that it holds you back. It’s holding me back from opening up to him, from sharing myself with him. Sometimes I wonder if he knows or even cares —> definitely a product of uncertainty.

But there is one thing that I plan on talking to him about and that’s our communication. Yesterday, he made a joke saying that when he doesn’t text me back he believes that I know what he’s doing and that we have some kind of telepathic connection. He thought it was funny but I really didn’t. Thats why I think that he won’t understand. I’m hoping to introduce the concept of checking in to him. Hopefully that goes well, and if it doesn’t I’m sure he wouldn’t like a dose of his own medicine, although my dose is much stronger. Yes that’s very petty but that’s a last resort. For now I’ll try not to let the negative thoughts take over.