Sometimes it’s so easy…

Sometimes it’s so easy to let the negative thoughts take over. As someone who has been struggling with depression for years, I can tell you that it’s a daily battle. Mood swings are the worst. One minute you’re happy and then next you’re thinking about ending a relationship that’s going to well.

So yesterday, I saw my sweetheart. It was only for a few hours. We spent the time talking and holding hands and just being together. It’s the times like those that I miss the most when I don’t get to see him. We haven’t spoken to each other since yesterday and currently in my depressive state I have fifty thousand reasons as to why I should be mad at him. I’m recalling past issues and hurt to the surface and it’s difficult to stop myself. I am consciously aware of what I’m doing. However, its become such a norm that I do it without even thinking and it’s very difficult to stop. Why can’t I recall that happiness I felt yesterday when I was spending time with him? Why isn’t that more powerful than the past pain and hurt?

I don’t really have an answer for that. However, I’m proud of myself because I’m not taking it out on him. I’m choosing to work through it on my own. Writing definitely helps me to get all my feelings out. It’s therapeutic. I know that in a few hours I’ll look back and realize that it’s not that deep. But then the other part of me thinks that I always make excuses for him. I don’t feel very secure in our relationship and a lot of that has come from the instability on his end. Personally, I don’t feel like he intentionally does it, but he has and I don’t even feel like I can talk to him about it because I’m not sure he would understand. But I haven’t tried so I don’t even know. The thing about uncertainty is that it holds you back. It’s holding me back from opening up to him, from sharing myself with him. Sometimes I wonder if he knows or even cares —> definitely a product of uncertainty.

But there is one thing that I plan on talking to him about and that’s our communication. Yesterday, he made a joke saying that when he doesn’t text me back he believes that I know what he’s doing and that we have some kind of telepathic connection. He thought it was funny but I really didn’t. Thats why I think that he won’t understand. I’m hoping to introduce the concept of checking in to him. Hopefully that goes well, and if it doesn’t I’m sure he wouldn’t like a dose of his own medicine, although my dose is much stronger. Yes that’s very petty but that’s a last resort. For now I’ll try not to let the negative thoughts take over.

 

 

SettlementĀ 

       So it’s been a few days since I posted anything. I’ve been fighting a triple threat; the cold virus, the flu virus and an eye infection that mysteriously jumps from one eye to another. Safe to say that I’ve had a trying week. 

      Updates on the situation with my sweetheart. Things are pretty much back to normal. We talk everyday but I still haven’t seen him. Tomorrow will make it three weeks. I’d like to tell you that this isn’t normal or the usual but that’s not true. Sometimes I find myself saying, “I’m just over it at this point”. And partially I am. I’m  done being the one putting in all the effort to see him. My schedule is no longer free. I’ll be going out with my friends and making plans without him in my thoughts. I feel like I’ve been putting my social calendar on hold and that’s over. Don’t get me wrong, I still like him a lot but in the words of many teenagers around the world, “fuck that shit”. I’m not putting up with that. I refuse to settle and accept that as the norm. I wasn’t born attached to him and if he doesn’t want to see me then I’m sure there are many others who will. 

      There’s only a few months of summer and I’m out here to enjoy it as much as I can. That being said, I’ve realized something a few moments ago as I’m sitting on the train headed to work. Although Canadians have a reputation for being polite and nice, all Canadians aren’t nice. That’s a stereotype. It’s a rather pleasant stereotype but I would rather people not come here expecting everything to be the garden of Eden with welcoming hands and kind words. I just witnessed a woman practically steal a seat on the train away from this older man. Her demeanour and attitude was so forceful and repulsive, those who observed the minor incident were left shaking their heads. She was more than capable of standing, she wasn’t pregnant and she literally exited the train a few stops later. I was shaking my head thinking, all that for a 10 minute train ride? She must be having a horrible day. 

       But no, I’m not about to make excuses for her horrible behaviour. She was simply rude. I’m trying to figure out why I’m so outraged about this but I just am. That poor old man just wanted to sit and he’s currently still on the train while she has already hopped off. One thing I’ve learned from being in Canada is that kindess keeps the peace and all it takes is a select few to disrupt that balance. Some might view it as conformity to society’s expectations. Yes, it is. But this is one expectation which I have no problem with. 

    Now as to how I went from talking about my love life to social issues, I have no answer. It happened in the moment and I decided to talk about it. However, the lessons from this post are; don’t give too much to those who do not deserve it and be fucking polite.