So last night I was all upset, crying about how I lost my sweetheart, suffering from separation anxiety and what not. Well it turns out that I didn’t. I didn’t year from him all night because he just didn’t bother to message me back. Don’t you hate when guys do that? Seriously, I’m having a quarter life cross over here and you can’t even bother to reply to my text.
I bet you he was watching the stupid NBA finals game though (which I was also watching). Anyways, this morning I received a message from him saying, “hi good morning”. I was so elated I replied as soon as I saw it. I told him I thought that he was mad at me and immediately he called.
Meanwhile I was in the office break room having a conversation with a coworker and I was also about to start work and my voice was also fucked up so I sounded like a 50 year old man. Safe to say, we didn’t talk on the phone this morning. However, the fact that he bothered to even pick up the phone to call and reassure me that everything’s okay, was so sweet of him. I’m both annoyed and relieved that he refused to accept my proposal for us to stop seeing each other. It means he wants me doesn’t it? I guess so. But I’m annoyed because now I have to find a way to let go of guy number two. Last night I realized that I didn’t want to live without my sweetheart. I couldn’t even be without him for one night without breaking into tiny little pieces. I was a shadow of myself. I felt like my heart was ripped from my chest with my own hands.
If I can give any advice to someone, it would be to not push away the people you love, care about you or hold you close to their hearts. I tend to do this quite often and it’s painful every time. Somehow I end up reverting into old habits and seeking out that pain. Who knows? I might me a masochist. But for me it’s better to feel pain than to not feel anything at all. For a long time I’ve felt empty inside, a shell of my former self. Sometimes I look back to that young and hopeful teenager I once was. She had some issues, she had a lot of issues but she always hoped that it would get better. Unlike her, I’ve lost my hope. I no longer believe that things will work out in the end. I can’t picture myself with a lifetime partner. I only understand here and now. Everything else is unknown, open to a multitude of unending negative scenarios.
From the minute I become involved with someone, I already envision the ending, one which is unhappy. But back to the main point. I still have my sweetheart and I’m so happy. It feels good to be loved, cared for, wanted and everything in between. I don’t mind the pain because it reminds me that I’m still capable of love. If I can feel pain then I can fall in love, something which I never would’ve thought to be possible two years ago. I want him in myself because even if I don’t see him, he never forgets to make his presence in my life known. Yes I miss him physically but mentally and emotionally he’s there every day and I appreciate that effort.
That’s all for today folks. Continue reading to find out about Mr.2. I’m still trying to figure out a pseudonym for his name but when I do you all shall know.